Post by aneaglesangel on Aug 15, 2006 12:24:11 GMT -5
This story took place when I was 35 years old. I had met someone from New York City through a mutual friend, and though I have to admit, I hate a long distance love affair, I couldn't resist him! He made me laugh all the time and I don't know why, but I was very drawn to him. We'll call him "E" in this story, and I hope that wherever he is today, the pain of this event has been erased!
Every weekend, E would travel to Mass to visit me, during the week, he called me every night on his way to work, and every morning on his way home. He worked the night shift as a building engineer in Manhattan. One night on his way to work, he called me and told me he was heading to work from him best friend J's house. Suddenly I got this awful feeling, and I don't know why I said it, but I told him that I didn't think he should leave J alone that night. I had this awful feeling something bad was going to happen. Unfortunately, he had missed work due to some car problems, and couldn't take another day off without jeopardizing his job. The feeling was so strong, I kept insisting, but he won out in the end and went to work that night.
I had a hard time falling asleep that night. The feeling that J was in some sort of trouble, or that something bad was going to happen to him persisted. I finally fell asleep, only to be awakened by the phone ringing. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was 4 a.m. and the feeling came back up again, I knew who was on the phone, and I knew who it had to do with. Sure enough, when I answered the phone, it was E, crying that J was dead. I don't know what made me do it, but I told him, don't worry I'm on my way. I got dressed, packed my son and I up, called a friend to get me to the bus station, and took off for NYC. I hadn't had any news since early that morning, so it was quite a shock when E told me that J was still alive.
We got ourselves settled in, left my son with E's mom (one HELL of a fiery woman, who ya couldn't help but love, and yes, she has red hair too, LOL, Melba) and headed for the hospital. I have to admit to all of you, this was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I say I was there for a reason. Maybe our whole relationship was only so I would be there when I was needed. I can't describe to you the feelings I had entering that room! It was horrible to see J, a 29 year old man, two time Golden Gloves Boxing Champion, laying in that bed, only kept alive because of machines. It was so sad, yet I tingled like never before. I knew in my heart what it was, but I was too close, the hurt too fresh, I couldn't bring all of this into perspective. Put it this way, there was a man lying in that bed, he was for all appearances, J, but in all actuality, J was not in that body. It made me sick to my stomach to be there, and I couldn't find a reason, I am NOT a squeamish person at all!! I couldn't be and do all the work with horses I've done in the past!!!
After our visit we went to J's home. His parents were disabled and J took care of them. They found J on the floor and called paramedics. The paramedics made one of the biggest blunders I've ever seen, but looking back I can understand why they did it. You see, when the paramedics arrived, J was very much dead. His parents must not have found him all that soon after he'd died, his body temperature was 70 degrees. When the paramedics got there, I'm sure they met two very hysterical parents. I think to humor them, and to help them feel like something was being done, they performed CPR. Somehow, I don't know how, but they got J's heart going again, in a body that was no longer, in my eyes, alive. Now knowing that J's parents were completely dependent on him, I can understand why the paramedics did it. They didn't think they would bring him back, but they wanted to make the parents think they were trying to help. They wanted to leave it to the doctors at the hospital to give this awful news to his parents.
After the hospital we headed to J's home. The scene at his house was horrendous! Men milled about, at a loss as to what to do. The mother sat in her room, depressed and without her medication for her health problems. I took one look at the scene and I don't know what happened, but I took over. I sent men in all directions, doing things that were necessary for the family. Some went grocery shopping, others went to get medication for J's mother. I'll never forget how those men looked at me when I took over, there was appreciatation, and a sense of relief someone had some idea what to do. I think they were just glad to be given something, anything to do!
That first night, E had to go to work. He thought it would also help him to keep busy. This was very hard on him, he felt responsible. I had told him not to leave J alone, but it really wasn't his fault. If it wasn't that night, it would have been another. Unbeknownst to any of his friends or family, J was on a crash course. He was taking drugs and mixing substances. Sooner or later, it was going to catch up with him, one way or another. I was exhausted from the day, it was highly emotional, and I felt so bad for J's parents. I wondered what they were going to do without him. I didn't know how they could be convinced to shut off the machines keeping their son's shell alive. I knew J wasn't in that body anymore!!
It felt as if I'd been asleep for moments, when someone poked me on my arm. Poke! Poke! Poke! Three times, then a pause, then three more pokes. Still being half asleep, I asked, what's up mom, a bit blearily. There was no answer. Poke! Poke! Poke! More urgently this time. I was about to roll over and ask mom what was the matter, when suddenly, I realized, I was tingling all over! Just the same tingle as when a ghost was around!!! I knew who was poking me!! I couldn't turn over to face him, I could only snuggle against my son harder, and hope he'd go away! I just couldn't face his ghost, after I'd stared at his semi-living body just hours before in a hospital bed. I'm not sure how long he sat there, for I know he was sitting in E's chair next to his bed, for I was crying silently and hoping either he'd go away, or I'd be brave enough to see what he wanted.
A long time passed as I lay there, but it could only have been minutes. Trapped the way I was, it felt like an eternity, and guilt was eating away at my heart. I kept telling myself I was supposed to be brave, I kept telling myself to turn over. But each time I did, I knew I couldn't turn and see J that way. Then I realized the tingling was fading away, and the guilt really hit me. What if he was trying to tell me something really important, or a message for E? How could I just ignore him!! He was my friend, too!! I finally mustered up the courage to turn over, but J wasn't there. I lay silently crying and feeling such a fool, when I noticed a strange shadow on the wall. I'd been in E's room many nights, and had never noticed this shadow before. And strange, but the shadow was familiar. That's when I realized that big head and hair, was none other than J's shadow.
I lay for a moment staring at it. Getting out of bed, still crying, I went to the wall and put my hand on the shadow. The funny thing about it was, even as I blocked the light from the window, the shadow remained. I told him I was sorry, but I was frightened when he tried to talk to me. I told him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, I would listen now. In my head, words, whispering words filled my head. I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I didn't mean it...I didn't mean it...I didn't mean it. Really bawling now, tears streaming down my face, all I could say was, I know! As I watched, the shadow turned away, and as it walked, the shadow got smaller and smaller, until finally he faded away. I sat on the chair in E's room and cried for a while before returning to bed.
It took me days to tell E what had happened. But the days were filled with so much pain, and anxiety. We would go to the hospital and visit J, help his parents, and keep all the men friends involved in some kind of help, to keep them busy. As the week progressed, tests were done on J to show the parents that he was no longer alive. The brain had no activity, his eyes remained fixed and dialated. Let me tell you, that's a hard thing to see, especially when it is your friend. I searched for the words to tell his parents, for as long as he was stuck in between, I could feel J. I don't know how to explain it, but he was trapped here, by his own body. He wanted to go and fly away, but until his body was allowed to die, he couldn't go on. I don't know how I know that, he didn't tell me anything in words except the I'm sorries and the I didn't mean its. I just KNEW, and I also knew, once he was able to pass, I'd feel better too! It was like he was following me around, waiting for me to find the right words to say to his parents. And let me tell you, it was HARD!!! His parents were hanging onto the belief that if they kept him alive on the machines, someday, he'd come back to them! I'll never forget those talks I had with his parents, I think they needed me, and well, I think it's why I ended up with a man from NYC, someone up there knew what was going to happen. None of us had a clue!!
One day, as J's body lay in the bed, his father stood in the window, watching the play of clouds and sun. The rays of sunshine were beaming through the clouds, as if making illuminous stairways to heaven. As I watched, it seemed as if a face appeared in the clouds. Rays of light shone through a smile, and one eye. That was the straw that broke my back!! You see, J had been a two time Golden Gloves Boxing Champion, and may have been a world champion someday, if only he hadn't had a little accident. An accident that left him blind in one eye. But the face staring down out of the clouds, with rays of sunlight shining through its one eye, reminded me of none other, than J himself. The eye that was missing was even the correct eye that he was blind in. Suddenly, the words I so longed to say to his parents came to me. I walked to the window where his father stood, a broken man, and put my arm around him. I said to him, look, isn't it beautiful? That's where J should be! That's where J, IS!! He's not here in this hospital room, he's out there in the beautiful sky! His father turned to me, wrapped me in his arms and cried out all his agony and despair. He said you're right, as he drew away from me. Later that day, they ordered the machines to be removed, and J was allowed to die. As long as I live, I'll never forget the way J smiled at me from the heavens. He helped me to find the words to help his parents. I know it was hard for them to let go, but it was easier for them when they realized that J was in a better place.
I know this is a very sad story, and I know it still brings the tingles to me when I think of J tapping me on the arm, or smiling at me from the clouds. It was a terrible thing to go through, and I know it was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. But somehow, for some reason, I was meant to meet E and be there when it was time for J to pass. I'm just glad that I could help, and that now, my good friend, J, is flying through the heavens. He can be and do whatever he wants, and in this other place, he isn't handicapped, he can see with both eyes, and feel with all his soul!! So to you J, one of my best NYC buddies, see you on the other side, bud!!!
Every weekend, E would travel to Mass to visit me, during the week, he called me every night on his way to work, and every morning on his way home. He worked the night shift as a building engineer in Manhattan. One night on his way to work, he called me and told me he was heading to work from him best friend J's house. Suddenly I got this awful feeling, and I don't know why I said it, but I told him that I didn't think he should leave J alone that night. I had this awful feeling something bad was going to happen. Unfortunately, he had missed work due to some car problems, and couldn't take another day off without jeopardizing his job. The feeling was so strong, I kept insisting, but he won out in the end and went to work that night.
I had a hard time falling asleep that night. The feeling that J was in some sort of trouble, or that something bad was going to happen to him persisted. I finally fell asleep, only to be awakened by the phone ringing. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was 4 a.m. and the feeling came back up again, I knew who was on the phone, and I knew who it had to do with. Sure enough, when I answered the phone, it was E, crying that J was dead. I don't know what made me do it, but I told him, don't worry I'm on my way. I got dressed, packed my son and I up, called a friend to get me to the bus station, and took off for NYC. I hadn't had any news since early that morning, so it was quite a shock when E told me that J was still alive.
We got ourselves settled in, left my son with E's mom (one HELL of a fiery woman, who ya couldn't help but love, and yes, she has red hair too, LOL, Melba) and headed for the hospital. I have to admit to all of you, this was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I say I was there for a reason. Maybe our whole relationship was only so I would be there when I was needed. I can't describe to you the feelings I had entering that room! It was horrible to see J, a 29 year old man, two time Golden Gloves Boxing Champion, laying in that bed, only kept alive because of machines. It was so sad, yet I tingled like never before. I knew in my heart what it was, but I was too close, the hurt too fresh, I couldn't bring all of this into perspective. Put it this way, there was a man lying in that bed, he was for all appearances, J, but in all actuality, J was not in that body. It made me sick to my stomach to be there, and I couldn't find a reason, I am NOT a squeamish person at all!! I couldn't be and do all the work with horses I've done in the past!!!
After our visit we went to J's home. His parents were disabled and J took care of them. They found J on the floor and called paramedics. The paramedics made one of the biggest blunders I've ever seen, but looking back I can understand why they did it. You see, when the paramedics arrived, J was very much dead. His parents must not have found him all that soon after he'd died, his body temperature was 70 degrees. When the paramedics got there, I'm sure they met two very hysterical parents. I think to humor them, and to help them feel like something was being done, they performed CPR. Somehow, I don't know how, but they got J's heart going again, in a body that was no longer, in my eyes, alive. Now knowing that J's parents were completely dependent on him, I can understand why the paramedics did it. They didn't think they would bring him back, but they wanted to make the parents think they were trying to help. They wanted to leave it to the doctors at the hospital to give this awful news to his parents.
After the hospital we headed to J's home. The scene at his house was horrendous! Men milled about, at a loss as to what to do. The mother sat in her room, depressed and without her medication for her health problems. I took one look at the scene and I don't know what happened, but I took over. I sent men in all directions, doing things that were necessary for the family. Some went grocery shopping, others went to get medication for J's mother. I'll never forget how those men looked at me when I took over, there was appreciatation, and a sense of relief someone had some idea what to do. I think they were just glad to be given something, anything to do!
That first night, E had to go to work. He thought it would also help him to keep busy. This was very hard on him, he felt responsible. I had told him not to leave J alone, but it really wasn't his fault. If it wasn't that night, it would have been another. Unbeknownst to any of his friends or family, J was on a crash course. He was taking drugs and mixing substances. Sooner or later, it was going to catch up with him, one way or another. I was exhausted from the day, it was highly emotional, and I felt so bad for J's parents. I wondered what they were going to do without him. I didn't know how they could be convinced to shut off the machines keeping their son's shell alive. I knew J wasn't in that body anymore!!
It felt as if I'd been asleep for moments, when someone poked me on my arm. Poke! Poke! Poke! Three times, then a pause, then three more pokes. Still being half asleep, I asked, what's up mom, a bit blearily. There was no answer. Poke! Poke! Poke! More urgently this time. I was about to roll over and ask mom what was the matter, when suddenly, I realized, I was tingling all over! Just the same tingle as when a ghost was around!!! I knew who was poking me!! I couldn't turn over to face him, I could only snuggle against my son harder, and hope he'd go away! I just couldn't face his ghost, after I'd stared at his semi-living body just hours before in a hospital bed. I'm not sure how long he sat there, for I know he was sitting in E's chair next to his bed, for I was crying silently and hoping either he'd go away, or I'd be brave enough to see what he wanted.
A long time passed as I lay there, but it could only have been minutes. Trapped the way I was, it felt like an eternity, and guilt was eating away at my heart. I kept telling myself I was supposed to be brave, I kept telling myself to turn over. But each time I did, I knew I couldn't turn and see J that way. Then I realized the tingling was fading away, and the guilt really hit me. What if he was trying to tell me something really important, or a message for E? How could I just ignore him!! He was my friend, too!! I finally mustered up the courage to turn over, but J wasn't there. I lay silently crying and feeling such a fool, when I noticed a strange shadow on the wall. I'd been in E's room many nights, and had never noticed this shadow before. And strange, but the shadow was familiar. That's when I realized that big head and hair, was none other than J's shadow.
I lay for a moment staring at it. Getting out of bed, still crying, I went to the wall and put my hand on the shadow. The funny thing about it was, even as I blocked the light from the window, the shadow remained. I told him I was sorry, but I was frightened when he tried to talk to me. I told him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, I would listen now. In my head, words, whispering words filled my head. I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I didn't mean it...I didn't mean it...I didn't mean it. Really bawling now, tears streaming down my face, all I could say was, I know! As I watched, the shadow turned away, and as it walked, the shadow got smaller and smaller, until finally he faded away. I sat on the chair in E's room and cried for a while before returning to bed.
It took me days to tell E what had happened. But the days were filled with so much pain, and anxiety. We would go to the hospital and visit J, help his parents, and keep all the men friends involved in some kind of help, to keep them busy. As the week progressed, tests were done on J to show the parents that he was no longer alive. The brain had no activity, his eyes remained fixed and dialated. Let me tell you, that's a hard thing to see, especially when it is your friend. I searched for the words to tell his parents, for as long as he was stuck in between, I could feel J. I don't know how to explain it, but he was trapped here, by his own body. He wanted to go and fly away, but until his body was allowed to die, he couldn't go on. I don't know how I know that, he didn't tell me anything in words except the I'm sorries and the I didn't mean its. I just KNEW, and I also knew, once he was able to pass, I'd feel better too! It was like he was following me around, waiting for me to find the right words to say to his parents. And let me tell you, it was HARD!!! His parents were hanging onto the belief that if they kept him alive on the machines, someday, he'd come back to them! I'll never forget those talks I had with his parents, I think they needed me, and well, I think it's why I ended up with a man from NYC, someone up there knew what was going to happen. None of us had a clue!!
One day, as J's body lay in the bed, his father stood in the window, watching the play of clouds and sun. The rays of sunshine were beaming through the clouds, as if making illuminous stairways to heaven. As I watched, it seemed as if a face appeared in the clouds. Rays of light shone through a smile, and one eye. That was the straw that broke my back!! You see, J had been a two time Golden Gloves Boxing Champion, and may have been a world champion someday, if only he hadn't had a little accident. An accident that left him blind in one eye. But the face staring down out of the clouds, with rays of sunlight shining through its one eye, reminded me of none other, than J himself. The eye that was missing was even the correct eye that he was blind in. Suddenly, the words I so longed to say to his parents came to me. I walked to the window where his father stood, a broken man, and put my arm around him. I said to him, look, isn't it beautiful? That's where J should be! That's where J, IS!! He's not here in this hospital room, he's out there in the beautiful sky! His father turned to me, wrapped me in his arms and cried out all his agony and despair. He said you're right, as he drew away from me. Later that day, they ordered the machines to be removed, and J was allowed to die. As long as I live, I'll never forget the way J smiled at me from the heavens. He helped me to find the words to help his parents. I know it was hard for them to let go, but it was easier for them when they realized that J was in a better place.
I know this is a very sad story, and I know it still brings the tingles to me when I think of J tapping me on the arm, or smiling at me from the clouds. It was a terrible thing to go through, and I know it was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. But somehow, for some reason, I was meant to meet E and be there when it was time for J to pass. I'm just glad that I could help, and that now, my good friend, J, is flying through the heavens. He can be and do whatever he wants, and in this other place, he isn't handicapped, he can see with both eyes, and feel with all his soul!! So to you J, one of my best NYC buddies, see you on the other side, bud!!!